123-2008-12-18
When it Comes to Anger: It Usually Misses the Point
By W. Owen Thornton

Being the recipient or maybe even a sideswipe victim of anger for nine years makes you think about what anger really does for us.  I believe anger to be an immediate, short-term emotion which helps us grow personally or which helps us to overcome ineffective communication with others and that it should never be an emotion that is held onto for any length of time because it is rendered ineffective when we do so.  Anger – this healthy knee-jerk reaction emotion that helps us initially cope with the new information just given to us – if held onto for any length of time is proven to manifest itself in physical health problems and will lead to long-term resentment which also leads us to ill health.  To truly understand anger and how it stands in the way of human kindness if held onto for too long, let me first examine its benefits.

The Benefit of Anger
Anger often stems from something genuinely upsetting.  Often it is comes from a breach of trust between two people.  Someone says or does something to hurt or offend us.  They do that which we believe is a violation of our relationship … of the boundaries between us.  Anger tells us something about ourselves.  It tells us how patient or impatient we are.  Patience often relies on how much sleep (or lack of sleep) we’ve had and how much stress we’re under.  Catch yourself reacting with anger rather easily and it may be an indicator that your tolerance buffer is down due to exhaustion or stress.  But if we’re in balance and something happens to anger us, we learn what we accept … or what we will reject.  We learn what people can or cannot do to us before we grow angry.  When we enter this state, anger, I believe it is a tool we can use to stretch ourselves.  Rather than focus on the violation we should focus on why we have it.  When an act occurs that makes us angry, rather than focus on the anger and enter a battle, we can use the anger as a trigger to ask ourselves why we are becoming angry.  Anger can be the trigger, then, to help us grow in a new direction.  And this, naturally leads to human kindness.

Anger can also help us become more sympathetic and empathetic.  If someone is doing something to make us angry, that action often says more about them than it does about us.  If we become angry because of someone else’s deed, we need to become sure that the anger is about us and not about them and their actions.  If it is about us, then I refer you to the previous paragraph.  Learn something about yourself.  But if we realize there is no need to be angry, that the action which makes us angry is unimportant or does not impact us, then anger can be a helpful emotion which leads us to communicate effectively with others who make us angry and thereby we can build bridges with them. 

Anger also tells us who we care about.  People we don’t care about cannot make us red hot with anger.  If we don’t care about them, our fuse to becoming angry grows incredibly long.  How sad it is that anger mostly comes as a result of something someone we deeply care about has done which violates us in some aspect.  How deeply sad it is if we allow anger to act as a wedge to breaking up that relationship.

Tips on Managing Anger: Solutions
Say someone does or says something which makes you angry.  Go inside and see if the issue is about you.  If yes, save the quick retort for later and in a quiet time, find a way to deal with your own issues.  Find a way to protect yourself.  Reduce the availability of your hot button so others cannot press it so easily. 

If the action seems to be more about them, save the quick retort and then consider your options.  Do you care about this person and having a relationship with them?  If no, then ‘Fog’ them.  Agree with them.  If you defend yourself from an attack, the other person thinks you don’t get it!  If they say you’re a jerk and you disagree, they will do what they can to convince you they are right.  If you agree with them … and you truly don’t care about what they think of you (this is a bit harder to do sometimes than you might think), then you can say, “Yeah … you’re right.  I can be a jerk.”  That doesn’t admit that you were in this instance, but it is a truism.  All of us can be jerks at one time or another!   The admission will end the attack.  Fogging is considered as a tactic where someone throws a snowball at you, but into a bank of fog.  If they can’t see if they’ve hit you or hurt you … then they stop throwing the snowballs.

But if you care about them, you might consider the total truth option.  “When you say or do (whatever, and retell it like it happens) I feel ...  (state how their comments make you feel.  (I feel statements are very powerful!))  Why do you do that?”  They then could come back with one of three responses.  An attack, a deflection or … the truth.”  An attack might be, “Oh yeah … well you …” and they will proceed to list a flaw or six of yours.  Use Broken Record.  “I may have those flaws (Fogged) but we’re not talking about that right now.  When you say or do … “ and you calmly and evenly repeat what you just said (Broken Record.)  You do this until you compel them to answer you no matter how often they attack or deflect.

A deflection will sound something like, “I don’t want to be analyzed,” or “This isn’t important.”  What you endeavor to do for them in this case is helping them become aware of their deed/words and this may be difficult because they may be working on autopilot and not truly aware of what they are doing or why they are doing it.  Here, your response might be, “Look.  I’m not attempting to analyze you,” or “This is important because when you do (Broken Record) it makes me feel (feeling statement) …” deal with your feelings and their actions and that alone.  Once they comprehend their actions actually do make you feel badly it may turn out that that wasn’t their motive at all … that that kind of comment doesn’t offend others or it might motivate others (perhaps in a bad way, but it works) and that you can tell them what you really want them to do for you.  “Instead of saying or doing … (whatever) I’d probably respond favorably by you saying or doing …” where you tell them what YOU need in that situation which would be helpful and effective.  You help them build a relationship with you that you can both live with. 

The third response is what you’re always after, and you either achieve it after the counter attack, deflection or you may move immediately to, “Hey!  I didn’t realize my action/deed was doing that!  I’m sorry.  I’ll try not to do that from now on.”  This honest response may not happen immediately, but it is the destination where you’re heading towards when you begin the broken record technique.

It is important to note that you must make your decision if you want to ignore the problem (Fog) or deal with it (Broken Record mixed with some Fogging).  It is important too, to try these strategies and to be prepared to fail.  Trust me when I say they work.  Failure usually comes at inappropriate timing/application or that the person you’re dealing with is a really tough nut to crack.  Refuse to get down and to give up.  Keep trying.  This kind of knowledge is hard to bring about the right way the first time because it is not how you are used to behaving.  It also needs to be used at the right moments, which are usually difficult ones.  It’s hard to draw this information into your mind and to own it immediately.  Keep trying.  You’ll hit the right time and place and when you see it work, you will feel very, very empowered.

The Error with Anger
But what’s really important here, to return to anger specifically, is that I believe most reasons why we fall into anger are incorrect.  That if we actually dealt with the incident immediately and evenly (if you can’t deal with it evenly, promise yourself time to calm down and return to it later: and do this quickly because to hold it in too long … can be devastating to you) there would be far fewer arguments in this world.  But we’re so easily offended and so quick to write off other people – and I include myself in this group – that we make life and the world harder on ourselves than we need to.  For more about judging and accepting see article 118.  What we are indeed angry about is often a misinterpretation that we allow to be blown way out of proportion.  Anger needs to be reserved for those exceedingly rare occasions when someone deliberately means to hurt or offend.  And even then … well, that offense might still be about them and not about us.  In all cases what you’re aiming for is to not let your anger be about you!

Anger is also about whether we love someone enough to delve into the situation.  Anger makes us ask, “How much am I willing to do to try to save this situation?”  And sometimes, even though we may delve into a situation, sometimes the atmosphere between two people really is toxic and even though there may be an understanding between them, sometimes, it is right to separate yourself from them so that you don’t continue to harm one another.  We can agree to disagree.  But I still hold out for the human kindness solution that most conflict leading to anger could or can be solved reasonably.

I think anger is also a test of our mutual understanding of one another and of our ability to effectively communicate with one another.  What do I mean by that?  This ‘supposed violation’ which we have interpreted as a breach of our trust and faith in one another may not be the violation that we think it is.  Here’s how I’m going to deal with this.  I’m going to share with you three stories of people being angry at me for reasons they deem to be proper and correct.  They feel that way and … they are right … but with some second sober thought, maybe they could have found an alternate way of dealing with the situation.  (I’ve picked these incidents because it is easier for me to see their misinterpretation of me, rather than seeing my misinterpretation in others.  I didn’t say this process was easy.  Stick with these examples as I will direct the results towards your understanding of anger.)  These are people I have lost for reasons which they have deemed irreparable.  These are people who I deeply miss in my life.  I want to share these stories because one they help in seeing the error of anger and its uselessness, but I also want to share these stories with you, because two, I have established myself as some sort of kindness guru, and yet, I still mess up.  I don’t always get it right and I think it’s important for you to know that.  I’m human.  Three, I would like to apologize for any anger I may have caused others.  Not because I think it’s possible to reestablish contact, but because I would like to release my own guilt (real or imaginary) for any hurts incurred and because I would like others to stop being angry … and thereby having any other negative thoughts that might lead to discomfort in any way … and that in itself is an act of kindness.  So if you, Tim, Tom or George, stumble upon this essay, please accept my apologies.

Story One: Are you so sure you have interpreted the other person’s actions accurately?
Is your anger just?
This story is about Tim.  He was a great friend who had moved away and had found his true love.  Things progressed quickly and marriage was imminent.  I was asked to be best man.  As the date approached, a situation occurred to speed up the marriage and for reasons unknown or unexplained to me the marriage was downsized to immediate family only.  I was un-best-manned by a long-distance phone call.  Thinking back on that, perhaps a personal visit might have taken the sting out of things and would have allowed for us to deal with the issues between us face-to-face.  But that wasn’t considered, so we had to deal with things long distance.  Out of my hurt and my concern for my friend, I went to his family who were local and talked with his parents in order to attempt to create greater understanding for myself.  My actions were interpreted as meddling and interfering and this interpretation of my actions caused a breach of trust leading to my friend being angry with me and never speaking to me again.

I have no doubt that I caused a breach of trust in my friend’s opinion.  For that I apologize.  What is interesting to all of you, in learning about anger, is that creating a breach of trust was the absolute last thing on my mind.  My actions were completely misunderstood.  I think the genuinely sad thing is that my friend never knew how much I loved him and that had he known this, he could have never thought what he did.  My first error was in not letting him know the depth of my friendship.  My second error was in not finding a way to have a coffee with him and talking with him directly, but I was less wise then, and too hurt to think of doing that.  Such is the problem with not being able to see the forest for the trees.  Sometimes you’re just a human being doing your level best and sometimes … that’s just not very good!

But the great problem was one of ineffective communication.  To this day, I do not know how my actions even led to anger.  And that is my former friend’s lack of communication problem.  In the end, it became easier to believe in my unintended offense as one that was directly intended than to confront me with what I had done, or to perhaps deal with how he had hurt me along the way too.  I believe my actions had pushed the boundary of the degree or level of friendship that my friend was willing to sustain.  Rather than going through the messiness of working things out, it became easier to cut me loose, letting anger for my actions be the culprit and telling himself a story he could live with.  The problem is that this sentiment remained unidentified and anger was used to cover over the feelings of hurt and the pain of loss: the unwillingness to fight for the friendship.  Anger was the cover-up for the mislabeled truth in this case.

Now the reason why my friend never challenged me on my supposed egregious offense in order to resolve our ‘dispute’ may also lie partly in my corner.  I may also project that I don’t want someone to ‘come at me’ that way.  They may feel unsafe confronting me in a manner that may have enabled us to solve the situation before it escalated into a dissolved friendship.  And if that is the case, for that too, I am sorry.  (Or it could be that they are unable or unwilling to deal with that kind of pain and so again, they use the anger directed at me to avoid dealing with their own pain and anger.)  I don’t know if this is true in Tim’s case.  But it could well be true in my own life where this sort of thing has happened: where I have become angry at someone else.  And I’m assuming it may be true for some of you.  But let’s take ‘anger’ off the hook for it cannot do the things we are accrediting to it.  And once anger settles in, pride also takes over and pride leads us to a place where we’re unable or unwilling to overcome the reasons behind our anger. 

What I find interesting, and what I hope you take from this story, is that innocent deeds can create anger responses which could have been solved with a reasonable confrontation between adults.  But instead of digging in and solving the situation we let our anger convince us that it is better to cut our losses.  And … we also are running from that confrontation too.  Let us not forget that.  But let’s never mislabel “running from confrontation” as anger.  Anger can’t do all that work.  It’s only our excuse for why we cut and run and why we don’t have to face the real heart of the problem.  The difficulty with this scenario is that we never came to realize these things and we let the anger remain as the barrier between us and this is an unhealthy manner in which to lead our lives. 

When it comes to becoming angry, we would be better off to calm down and ask if our interpretation of an action is correct.  If we find that the person did intend to meddle, then the breach of trust is real.  Then we can move towards grieving the loss of a friendship.  Had my friend called me and said, “You were meddling and I resent that.”  Then using the techniques above to help prevent me from going into attack or deflection modes could have saved our friendship.  I could have told him, “There was absolutely no intent on my part in the world to meddle.  I’m sorry.  I was hurt and confused and my actions were an effort to resolve those feelings.”  And after that we could have assessed whether or not our friendship could survive.  But to leave a bomb crater between us for years … that wasn’t helpful at all.  Deeds that create anger can be fundamentally misinterpreted.  Anger, unleashed in this incident destroyed, where, had it been used more cleverly as clues to what was really going on it could have been used to build.

Story two: Did you really think that comment was meant to drive a life-long wedge between you?
My life-long friendship with Tom came to an end because I made a political statement that I had recently learned from a university professor on American foreign policy.  Can you imagine losing a life-long friend because of that?  I can’t: which suggests that I wasn’t attempting to destroy a friendship, but to discuss with a friend some interesting new perspective.  Well, the circumstances may need to be clarified.  My friend had to move away to the United States to receive his medical education and to receive his license to practice medicine.  There he found a wife, a job and started a family.  He really rather did this in spite of Canada: he couldn’t get into med school here for reasons beyond fathoming.  My friend wanted to be a doctor more than anything and I remain immensely proud of him for his accomplishments.  The United States gave him his whole life, really.  So, in hindsight saying something against his adopted home probably wasn’t wise.  My error?  I thought he was a Canuck who was living in the US who could give me insights into how the people there think.  But he’d become an American … a Red, White and Blue flag waver and looking back on that, I can see why, because the Maple Leaf forever, did nothing for him and drove him to another country to live the life he desired.

I truly am sorry that my off-hand comment … something I was just interested in exploring with a friend who might have had insights into the topic because he lived there … offended him so deeply.  And the last thing in the world I would have ever expected was that he would never speak to me again because of it.  My friend became so heated by my comment that he launched a full-scale assault: a defense of his new homeland.  I was so taken aback, I simply attempted to change the topic (a clue to both of us that I didn’t care enough to wage this battle and that I was sorry for introducing the topic), but that wasn’t in the cards.  I learned in no uncertain terms that my position was wrong.  Okay.  I’m wrong.  (Fogging!)  I really don’t care enough about the subject to argue about it (not like this (as a personal attack), at any rate)!  And I don’t place enough value in my view to care enough to … well … to care actually.  Certainly if my view is something that would drive a wedge between a life-long friend and me, I’ll keep the view well buried!

What I find interesting about this case of anger is that again, both parties cut and bailed as opposed to calmly returning to one another and asking, what just happened?  What do I mean?  What I’m learning here is that what we get angry about appears pretty foolish.  I don’t mean to be pointing a finger at my friend when I say this (I can point it at both of us!).  I mean that when I get angry, most of the time, it would be about foolish things: misinterpreted things where no intentional motive was ever expressed.  If story one was a misinterpretation of actions, this one is simply an unfortunate accident.  Had I thought this kind of reaction were even possible, I never would have introduced the subject.  But therein lies a communication problem, doesn’t it.  I had lost touch with my friend and didn’t know the kinds of things that concerned him anymore.  Not only do I deeply regret losing Tom, I regret causing him anger and I regret not communicating with him previously to that time such that I would have known where the minefields laid.  I simply wouldn’t have gone there.

But the message for you dear reader is: that person you’re angry with ... did they just make a mistake in subject matter?  Did they intend to make you angry?  (Sometimes, rarely, people do mean to goad you!)  And just because you disagree with them, does that mean they aren’t entitled to your opinion?  I mean, when it comes to passionate politics, I think of Arnold Schwartzenegger and Maria Shriver a husband and wife who believe in opposite sides of the American Political spectrum.  If they can remain married and passionate about opposite sides of the political coin, you’d think my friend and I could live with differing views too!  (Especially when I don’t really care?)
I’m beginning to think that anger must be connected with deliberate intent of the person who makes you angry.  If there is no deliberate intent then anger is less about boundaries being broken and more about our ability to interpret actions and our willingness (or lack of willingness) to communicate with others about how we feel in a reasonable way.  Okay.  I’ll extend that thought.  It may not be about a willingness to effectively communicate.  It may be more about the fact that we lack the skills to effectively communicate with one another in a successful manner.

I’m wondering even now, if these two relationships (Tim and Tom) weren’t already in jeopardy.  Had lines of communication been open a misinterpretation of an action or an accidental mention of something obviously in a heated subject area may have never occurred.  Where those relationships already in jeopardy?  Tragically, I think, maybe they were although I wouldn’t have thought so at the time.  Either we never knew each other well to begin with, or we had known each other once and we lost each other along the way.  I remain saddened by the loss of both friends.  But … anger wasn’t helpful here like it should have been.  It was the leading cause of many mistakes, hurt and isolation.

Definitely, these relationships broke up in part because one or both parties lacked communication strategies to overcome anger.  Acts and words which were not intended to be personal were interpreted that way.  The lack of skill or inability to express what was really going on and the will to challenge the other person to come to the truth were lacking in both parties.  Direct meetings to solve the problems were in order, but no one even thought of that.  How odd!

Story Three:  When the other person lashes out, does that action merit anger or … compassion.
Okay.  When it comes to George, I’m just plain sorry.  I know I screwed up.  The words came out of my throat like someone else was speaking them.  I couldn’t believe it was me.  This time, I full well know what I did!  What I said was mean.  But I still didn’t mean for my words to break us up forever.  I think, though I know they were hurtful, that they were a cry for help … for him to help me be a better friend.  Let me set the scenario.

My friend was going through a nasty break-up.  He spiraled down into a nasty vortex of isolation and drinking.  I desperately wanted to help.  To be a good friend … to help him go through what he was going through.  He desperately wanted to be left alone.  I didn’t respect that.  I felt like I just couldn’t do the right thing to help.  I kept trying different things … offering to help in different ways.  I felt powerless to help my friend.  Slowly his rejection of my offers of aid became about me … about being rejected.  Being rejected plugs into my own problems stemming from child abuse.  And those thoughts don’t take me to a very good place.  Not only did I feel like I couldn’t help, I felt like I was unworthy of helping.  This is my problem.  Not George’s.  My misinterpretation, which under the terms of someone who had not yet recovered from his abuse story, couldn’t have been interpreted by me in any other way.  And so out of this bad position, I said something mean.  I lashed out to hurt someone as badly as I thought they had hurt me … and my words were harsh, believe you me.  And I lost a friend.  And for that I am sorry.  I felt like I didn’t know how to be his friend … I couldn’t reach in … couldn’t do the right thing … and … I felt rejected for trying, which led me to feel like a piece of crap and boom: something stupid exited my mouth.

In this case the hurtful words were a cry for help.  How can I help you?  What do you need of me?  But I had a very peculiar way of asking those questions.  Certainly there was no way in the world my friend could have heard that plea in the words I chose.  In this case I wish, for my relationship with George that I’d had therapy sooner, so I could have identified my problem, and then I would never had to have said what I did.  I miss George.

But still, for you out there … and for me too … when we feel anger … even when someone says something that might fall under that untrue category we call unforgiveable (for everything is forgivable), there may not be an intent to hurt or to make us angry in the way that we think.  And there are few occasions where we become angry where the situation couldn’t have been solved by a calm response of “What do you mean by that?  That comment makes me very angry!”  But the problem is we let our anger possess us too much.  We knee-jerk react and rarely come to that calm approach.  Anger is something … when we feel it … that indicates our barriers are being pressed upon.  We should pay attention to this, because if someone’s actions are being deliberate we should react appropriately.  But in the big places where I have seen anger against my actions, the incidents were unintended, accidental or a cry for help.  Anger was immediately appropriate, but was not long-term appropriate. 

In the future, when someone angers me … or you …

• I hope to become aware more quickly than I have in the past that anger is most often about me and not about the action I may ineffectively be interpreting.

• I hope to release the anger because the person who loves me cannot obviously mean to be hurting me in the way that I “THINK” they are hurting me.

• I hope to turn to calm communication more quickly to resolve the issue.  Loving people … people who care about us in order for us to care about them so much that we can become angry at them: are rare and I refuse to throw them out because of a misinterpretation, an accident or a cry for help.  I will say, “That really makes me angry, but I may be misinterpreting what you mean.  What do you mean?”

• I hope to identify that anger is only a hint that a personal barrier might be in the process of being violated, but that anger should be set aside quickly, recognized as a knee-jerk emotional reaction and that effective communication to discern intent be initiated.

• I will ask myself: “Do I believe that this person’s words or actions were meant to so seriously offend that I am willing to cut myself off from them forever because of it.”  I would think that in 98 percent of all cases the answer to that question must be no.  
    o As a corollary: Does this mean that I have to like their words or actions? No.  I may desire to reconsider being friends with this individual if this kind of behavior persists.  But I want to make that decision after dealing with the issue at hand, rather than throwing away great people out of a heated moment.  Cutting them some slack does not mean I give them permission to dump on me regularly.  If they show no inclination to change even after we’ve talked about it, then my decision may be made for me.  But if I can help them to be more effective around me … to give them permission to be clear and to deal with me in a way that is effective, that is helpful … that is exhibiting human kindness.  “When you say things like that it makes me angry.  But as we’ve discovered this time, if you had approached the subject in this way … we’d get along fine …” and if they make the effort to change, the friendship may well be worth keeping.

• I will acknowledge that if I am already upset, tired, stressed out or exhausted that recovering from an interpreted hurt is more difficult than when I am in balance.  If I make a mistake under these conditions, it is regrettable but understandable.  I am human and prone to make mistakes: especially when I’m tired. 
    o As a corollary I will endeavor to place myself in a sound, balanced position so that this will not happen.

• And lastly I will cut myself some slack if I fail in these endeavors because catching yourself in a moment of heated anger is difficult … dialing back the hurt, recovering, asking calmly what was intended, these things are not as natural for us as perhaps they should be …  I accept I will mess up from time to time.  I will accept that this is temporary, shadow knowledge working its way to becoming permanent full knowledge.  Long have I held the concept of shadow knowledge.  I know I should do something one way, but fail to do it … but then think about what the appropriate response should have been moments later.  This is a good sign.  It suggests that this new learning is with me, but not an immediate part of me.  Each time I fail, the reminder of what I should have done comes closer to my being able to do it properly the next time.  And then one day, I do things exactly as I know I should have and in that moment, the knowledge is mine.  I own it.  And I no longer have to let anger have too much power … I no longer have to lose friends, or recover with apologies for embarrassing slip-ups.

In Conclusion
Human kindness lies in coping with your anger more effectively: in understanding what anger really is and how it works to help us to do the right thing.  And human kindness lies in being able to say you are sorry when you did something to upset someone whether the act is misinterpreted, accidental or a cry for help (deserved).  One thing that is incredibly ironic to me is the last thing I will say about this issue.  Anyone who knows me knows that I do an incredible dance so as to prevent myself from every harming or hurting anyone.  That I do hurt people is obvious.  That I do so with deliberate intention is impossible.  And if there is anyone out there whom I have hurt that I have missed apologizing to … know that I never meant to hurt you.  I acknowledge, however, that I did hurt you.  I don’t expect you’ll call me and say, “Our friendship is back on again!”  I know that’s not a realistic expectation.  But I could hope that you forgive me and stop being angry at me.  That would be my gift to you … that you no longer have to carry anger or long-term anger (resentment) against me ever again.  Be free.  Be wonderful.  Be safe.  Lead a wonderful life.  And never, never let anger get the best of you again … or … at least try to let this last wish become true for you. Overcoming anger … well that takes awareness … and some deliberate work on the self.

God Bless everyone.
Owen