Celebrating Human Kindness Week -- My Way!
One Kind Thing You Can Do
By W. Owen Thornton
By W. Owen Thornton
I don’t know about any of you, but I find that when human kindness is on my mind, I’m better at being kind. Such is the way of things during human kindness week. You might wonder what, I, the author of www.thehumankindnessproject.com did to promote kindness this week. Other than attempting to be genuinely kinder than normal, holding doors, and offering a kind word wherever I can, I did one specific thing. The thing I did came naturally to me and that’s the first thing you should take home with you too. If you’re thinking of doing something kind for someone attempt to be considerate of the kinds of things they might want, or like or desire, but also you have play to your own strengths. You have to hope that what you do will connect with the receiver.
At the human kindness project, we believe we should play to our strengths instead of attempting to overcome our weaknesses. So, I wrote a friend a single-spaced, two-page letter telling him why I like him. I’m a writer. This kind of thing comes easy for me. My unkindness stems from the fact that I don’t do this sort of thing often enough. I become gun-shy and wonder if people will think I’m a little weird even though being a little weird shouldn’t bother me – especially if what I’m doing is in the name of kindness. The other clue that I should write these letters a little more often is that they always generate a positive response.
If you can’t write that kind of letter, tell someone aloud. If you can’t do that, send them a card letting them know you’re thinking of them and scratch in a quick note too, if you can, of course. If your trademark on special days is to send flowers or gift baskets, try sending one this week just because. These kinds of acts are often met with special appreciation because you did something kind when people weren’t expecting it of you. That’s where the real bonus … the real kick of being actively kind comes in!
My letter did a few other things than tell my friend why I like him so much. First I told him two things. A: he needn’t feel compelled to write a letter back. That may not be in his skill set (I was pretty sure it wasn’t) and B: even if he could write the letter, he shouldn’t send the letter to me, but to someone else. The idea here is to encourage people to pass on the kindness, not keep it in a tight circle! So if he’s going to do something, he should do what he can do for someone else!
Also I wrote a little bit about how I fail him too. I apologized for every time I stopped listening and starting judging him. Every time I do that, I’m sure he senses it. In general every time we judge someone else rather than accept them it is another occasion where we place barriers between us. In some life instances there needs to be barriers, like at work or at the mall, but between friends … wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone you could tell your hurts and disappointments, your own personal failings … and just have them nod and say, “I know. I understand.” If you do this for others, later, there will come a time when you will want to have someone else do this for you. And then they'll be available to do it! Every time I judge others, that sends a message in the web of the world that I will be judged in turn … a time when I won’t receive the ‘listening’ I crave. In this life tapestry we weave, we need to be careful of how we sew the threads. So yes, I am genuinely sorry when I judge or fail to comprehend, understand or care about what someone else is saying.
Here are some tips if you attempt to tell someone why you like them. Be honest. If you can’t be kind and honest at the same time … if you’re writing to improve them … well … you might want to save that advice for never. Often, telling someone how they could improve is like telling someone who is overweight that they are overweight. Overweight people (I use this example as I too am overweight so I feel its safe ground) already know they are overweight. Most of us know our foibles. Attempting to improve people is a reflection of the fact that you have already judged them and you have found them wanting. There is no place in this kind of gesture for this kind of thinking. The problem with this life is that too few of us know our own giftedness – that’s why we’re sending this letter in the first place.
A note on why we don’t acknowledge our own giftedness. Why don’t we know our own giftedness? We tend to see our gifts as ordinary. We believe that ‘everyone’ is like that, when that is rarely the case. Because everyone is like that we downplay our gifts or we don’t give them any credit at all. Besides, it’s easy to see our foibles. They stand out every time we mess up. And everyone’s so willing to point them out to us too … but when we get things right? Oh heck! We take that for granted too and everyone things you’re just doing what you should be doing and so no one ever says anything to help you see that what you just did was gifted! We, as a society, really have to work on that. One man leading a spiritual giftedness survey at his church found people were reluctant to participate because they were afraid they wouldn’t have any gifts! Oh my gosh have we ever got this messed up! That’s why we need to send people letters telling them that ‘most of the time’ they get things very, very write … or at least that’s why I feel I need to send those letters anyway!
Also, if you have anything to apologize for, even in general, apologize. I tease people I care about and sometimes I go too far. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t do that, but I do and I monitor it but sometimes dumbness leaks out. And so letting them know this and asking for forgiveness … there’s great humility in that.
Remember, as I said, let the receiver off the hook too. They shouldn’t feel as though they have to write back. If they want to do anything, they should do what they can do for someone else. Giving and thanking is about paying it forward!
And lastly, while it’s always kind to receive feedback from a letter or a card or whatever kind gesture you send, it is NOT about you getting stroked for being kind in return. If that is what you expect, your heart is already in the wrong place. Send out the kindness and let it lie. Know that the world will look after this for you. Every kind deed is rewarded, but sometimes it takes a while for things to cycle around.
Much happiness to you my friends. Please. Enjoy human kindness week.
Later on this week I’ll be celebrating with other friends as we go out to dinner … it is something both couples enjoy and that we do far to infrequently … and so the blessings continue.
PS: Special thanks to Cynthia of the University of Western Ontario main library help desk. You were a delight and a treat and you showed me so much and took away my nerves at researching on-line and I really, really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
And that too is a kind act.
Could it be that Cynthia's extra level of kindness reflected her doing more than just her job in part because I have attempted in some small way to promote kindness myself. This is unprovable of course, but those of us who believe ... we know the answer is yes!
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